i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
