My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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