saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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