he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
why do cheetos always look like penises
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
