There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
