this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
