I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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