As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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