I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
