I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
