i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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