But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
