hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
