I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
