Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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