y did u give ur computer a hand job?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
