It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
