So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
