I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
