I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
not ubering you a puppy
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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