omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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