so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
