i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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