Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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