Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
