I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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