So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
