Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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