Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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