I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
