Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
