I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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