I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
