Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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