Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I cannot find my penis.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
