I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize