are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
