Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
