if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize