Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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