His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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