I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
