he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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