all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
