I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize