I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
