ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
