even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
