you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
