in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
