I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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