sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
