I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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