I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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