sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
