so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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