and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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