Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
