My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
