I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
