i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
