took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
