oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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