21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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