My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
