this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Help me help you realize you are a moron
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
