So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
