farters have to be the big spoon...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
